Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Why I Hate Fifty Shades Of Grey

Warning! Contains rude content. So if you're a really young or really sensitive person, I suggest you don't read this. 

I assume you've heard of Fifty Shades Of Grey, or you must be living under the well known rock, which I keep picturing in my head as Patrick's rock (yeah, you know, Patrick's home in Spongebob). 
Maybe you've even read it. I certainly hope you did not buy it. The reason I'm writing this blogpost, is because my mum actually wanted to buy it today. I forbid her to, not only because I just don't want to see my mum reading sex-stories and the mental horror images that come with that, but also because she could spend that ten euros much better  (on me for example). Erika Leonard James, nothing personal, but you as a writer definitely don't belong to the 100 Most Influential People in the World. 

Because being on our period could never be an excuse anymore. 

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me. 
“Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state. “Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. 

I mean, THE FUCK? Who throws a tampon into the fucking toilet? Ever heard of clogged toilets, mister Grey?! Oh, and of course it's gross what you did there.

Secondly, the word- chosing and building are just plain bad. How many times can a person say 'Oh my!' in her life? Then there is the '...' in every sentence at certain moments, like Anastasia's brain turns completely off when she's turned on. What... Uhm... Was I going... To say again...? Of course Christian also has an amazing one-liner.  "Laters, baby". I mean, really? Should I be drooling all over Christian Grey now? Sure there must be some kind of bigger message behind these words. But the absolute worst part is when Anastasia referring to 'down there':

“My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheer-leading pom-poms shouting yes at me.”

"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?"My mouth drops open. "Kinky fuckery?" I squeak.

"Kinky fuckery."

"I can't believe you said that.'"

"Well, I did. Answer me," he says calmly.

I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.

"I like your kinky fuckery," I whisper.” 

Now I'd loved to tell you about the plot in this book. But there's one problem. There isn't any plot. Nor in book two or three. This story is based on Bella and Edward, and that's really an insult on their part. Every time I recognized something out of Twilight, I more and more doubted if E. L. James had any fantasy at all, except for erotic ones. Anastasia is clumsy, naive, socially awkward (especially with men), parents are divorced, moves to another city, she gets a car from her boyfriend.. etc. Just like Bella.
 Christian is rich, has a deep dark secret, plays piano, is adopted, handsome.. You're getting it? No? Well, Christian has a brother and a sister, like Edward. Anastasia has a friend who's in love with her, called Jose (Jakob). Both Anastasia's and Bella's mum are married several times, and their daughters are the adult ones in their relationship. Christian's mum is doctor, Edwards father was a doctor. And in the end, Anastasia get's pregnant, just like Bella. Whoa, didn't see that one coming! 
Stephanie Meyer has not sued E. L. James due copyright infringement. But still it's a shame that James has sold so many books, when you're 'stealing' like that, you don't deserve it, in my opinion.

At last, on to the heroine of this story.


There isn't any, either.

Anastasia Steele is not some kick-ass heroine. Not even close. All she does is clinging to Christian like some sort of lost puppy, doing everything he demands her to. This puppy even gets kicked! And Anastasia isn't running away from this mental-ill person, no, she wants to emotional bond with him. Girl, don't you have any self-preparation? He has a freaking playroom, for Gods sake. You were a virgin for 21 years, and now this? 

Christian is stalking her, hurts her both mentally and physically, tells her what to eat and controls her whole life. Even worse than Edward does with Bella. I mean, Edward loves Bella, and he respects her. Christian does not respect Anastasia at all. And even Bella isn't as stupid as Anastasia, who really, really, got on my nerves. She has the IQ of a rock. (Don't insult the rock! - Puck)

I really don't understand how people could like this. I mean, I get Jersey Shore. Justin Bieber. Even why some girls shave half of their hair off. But not this. I'm disgusted by it and don't understand why people, who have rarely read any books in their lives, would read this. Worst book in years, and I've read many. Even the supposed to be 'erotic parts' are rubbish. But the worst has jet to come.


  1. Whahaha geweldig. Ik zou 'm zelf ook echt niet lezen. Vriendin van me wel en die stuurde wel eens wat foto's mee van stukjes die te hilarisch voor woorden waren. Chocoladefudgegeseks onder andere.

    En ja haha. Ik had een half jaar geleden ook al een blog maar na een tijdje weer verwijdert wegens tijdgebrek. Nu weer opnieuw starten en een vriendin van me gaat later meehelpen met meer een lifestyle/fashion gedeelte :d haha.

    1. Haha ja het is inderdaad meer hilarisch dan erotisch :')
      En klinkt goed! Ik ben benieuwd! :D

  2. Haha, this post is great! And it is definitely not one of those books you should read on public transportation!

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  3. Haha great post honey!;)

  4. Oh haha, ik dacht eerst "nee in het engels wat moeilijk!", maar jij schrijft zo makkelijk en vermakelijk, las snel weg!

  5. hahaha this is awesome!
    Following you on GFC and Bloglovin too <3

  6. Whahah omg nee deze boek zou echt niks voor mij zijn.

  7. Ik lag in een deuk en begreep je helemaal. Ik heb de drie boeken gelezen, omwille van de hype, het eerste boek gekocht en toen ik na een aantal pagina's doorhad dat het over dominantie ging was de zin om verder te lezen over... Ik las het boek uit omdat iedereen er vol lof en *kwijl* over sprak...Las boek twee en drie via iemand die beweerde dat het 'echt waar' veel beter werd. Conclusie: Xaviera Hollander was haar tijd ver vooruit! Als dit opwindende porno moet voorstellen dan weet ik niet wat er tegenwoordig in bed gebeurt bij koppels maar 't moet wel saai of net heel erg 't erover zijn! Een veredelde Bouquet Roman, dat is het, anno 2012. Feit dat een vrouw zich zo wilt laten vernederen vind ik gewoon erg, en dan heb ik het niet eens over het fysieke. Nu ja, ieder het zijne, ik veroordeel niemands voorkeuren maar dat dit zo'n succes is geworden...dat begrijp ik dus niet. Ik lees liever Agatha Christie.